"If you become one, I'll really kill you with my own hands."
A reader, nrnsyrh, shared this heartbreaking story of her "coming out" into her sexuality.
The original link is here: https://dayre.me/nrnsyrh/2S0l07Bzqf
The reader spent her whole teenage life struggling against her sexuality, wondering why she was always attracted to girls. She says she has never been attracted to boys her whole life and felt alone and ostracized because of the experience since everyone around her was attracted to members of the opposite sex.
When in primary school, she became "obsessed" with a girl in her school but had no idea her attraction to her was more than just "friends". She later had a crush on her former best friend, which made her very stressed and eventually, she started to avoid her friend altogether to stop dealing with her feelings. She tried dating a boy in school, but ended up feeling guilty for "playing with his feelings".
It was only in secondary school that she started to hate herself and the onset of a deep depression set in. She writes: "I know i like girls. I just hated myself for being the way i am. I was so afraid of what my parents would think of me. Will they disown me? Will they beat me up?"
When her mother questioned her one day at age 14 and asked if she was a lesbian, she flatly denied it.
Her mother said with some relief: "If you become one, I'll really kill you with my own hands."
She never felt more alone and terrified in her life.
She shares: "I remembered googling these questions;
i am a girl who likes another girl. is that okay?
what does it feel like to be gay?
is it against the law to like a girl?
does my religion accept homosexuality?
is it okay if i am not attracted to boys?
and the two most searched ones are;
I swear that that was the most terrifying time of my life. I had to go through it alone because i didn't dare to tell anyone about my attraction to girls. I was afraid of being judged. What's more with my religion. Then i met this one girl whom I consider a friend, but I “experimented” my sexuality with her. Obviously it didn't work out because i do not have feelings for her. She would text me every minute of the day and my mum would notice. “who are you texting?" she would ask."
She eventually found company with another homosexual gay friend, who happened to know she was homosexual. She was relieved to be able to share her story with someone who understands at last.
She eventually dated a girl in secondary three, which her mother knew about but kept quiet about it.
She wrote about coming out to her siblings: "Time went on and i came across PinkDot. i follow it secretly and as discreetly as i could. secondary three came and i had my first girlfriend. Everything went well. I knew my mum was aware of it but she never really said anything. She just observe. I was walking home with my sister one day and I decided to tell her about my relationship with… a girl. surprisingly, she knows already because i was being obvious. that's what she claims.
"Eventually i told my brother about it too and he said this to me “i just want you to be happy. i don't want you to get hurt". it was touching. and it feels nice to have someone supporting you. Then there's my best friends in the entire world. i was especially more thankful because they accepted me without hesitation, despite it going against their beliefs."
Her parents now know about her sexuality, but she still tries her best not to hurt her parents' feelings.
"Guys, if you think my parents are accepting of my sexuality, they are actually not. Only until recently me and my mom can talk openly about my sexuality. But I don't want to shove it in her face like that you know? She is the one who gave birth to me after all."
She shares her advice to fellow homosexuals: "The first stage is acceptance. the more you deny your sexuality, the more frustrated you will be. It's fine if u don't want to put a label on yourself. I know how scary it is to fall in love with a person of the same gender.
The second stage is embracing yourself. Love yourself for who you are. Who else would love you more than yourself? don't let anybody's opinion bring you down.
The third stage is coming out. It will definitely feel better once you come out to someone you trust a lot. BUT please please, if you are not ready, please do not come out. it is normal to be afraid. Don't let any kind of pressure force you to come out because that's not how you want it. Different people have different family and friends and their opinions can differ. You know them best, and you know when is the right time."