JOKES ABOUT THE PAP

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#1

An American tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he noticed two statues of a man and a woman by the altar.

He asked the monk what was the significance of the two. The monk explained that in the Chinese system of yin and yang, positives must always be balanced by negatives, and having the two statues ensured that the universal balance was maintained.

"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin."

"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.

In a hushed voice, the monk said, "This one is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew."

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#2

Lee Kuan Yew, Goh Chok Tong and Lee Hsien Loong are feeling bored on a long haul flight in an executive jet.

Goh Chok Tong pulls out a $100 bill and says 'I'm going to throw this $100 note out and make someone down below very happy.'

Lee Hsien Loong, not wanting to be outdone, says, 'I would throw two $50 bills and make two people down below happy.'

As usual, Lee Kuan Yew doesn't want these two ministers to outdo him, so he join in the conversation 'I would instead throw fifty $2 bills out to make 50 people below just a little happier.'

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all these bragging and cannot stand it anymore, comes out and says, 'Look! I will throw all three of you out of this plane and make 5 million Singaporeans very happy.'

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#3

Minister Wong Kan Seng, when he was holding the Foreign Minister's portfolio, was widely alleged to have committed this gaffe.

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At a sit-down dinner party, Mr. Wong was seated next to a European diplomat he had never met before.

As the first course was served, the diplomat wished Mr. Wong a cheery "Bon Appetit!"

Minister Wong is reputed to have smiled and replied, "Wong Kan Seng!"

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#4

During an ASEAN meeting, all leaders of the ASEAN countries were present, including Lee Kuan Yew.

During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, “I came up with a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with an initial investment of M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call Money Mind.”

Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: “I am going to start a car manufacturing plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will generate $50 million RP a year. Isn’t that smarter?”

As usual, Lee Kuan Yew of Singapore was not impressed and say, “I told my Minister of Transport to spend SGD$500 to buy an old printing machine and we also made SGD$50 Billion a year.”

Everybody was taken aback and asked “What the hell can you do with just SGD$500?”

Lee replied “I use the machine to print COE.”

#5

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Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Lee Hsien Loong were sitting poolside, having tea and enjoying some idle banter.

Obama said: "You know, the US Navy SEALs are the best military force in the world. Those guys are fearless, and they will do anything their commander in chief tells them to!" He then instructs the groundskeeper to fill the pool full of alligators and piranhas.

Having done so, he proceeds to order a US Navy SEAL to jump into the pool and swim all the way to the other end. The SEAL promptly does so, and emerges at the other end bitten and bleeding, but manages to snap off a salute to his president before collapsing.

Vladimir Putin then goes "Pssht, is nothing. Russian Spetsnasz commandos are braver, they will gladly die for Mother Russia. I prove to you!"

He then tells the groundsman to throw floating mines, string anti-personnel mortars and concertina wire across the water surface, following which he orders a Spetsnasz commando to jump in the pool and swim to the other end. The Russian commando promptly snaps off a salute and does so, but unfortunately trips a mine and dies in the process. "You see, he die gladly for Mother Russia!" exclaims Putin.

Lee Hsien Loong then chips in with "You think that's impressive? You haven't seen anything yet. Bring one of my NSmen in, please." After an NSman arrived, LHL then tells the groundsman: "Hey, fill the whole pool with acid. Concentrated acid, anything that goes in sure die one."

The groundsman does so, and soon the pool is overflowing with corrosive acid.

Lee then turns to the NSman, and says "You, jump in and swim to the other end." The NSman looks back at Lee , pulls a face, and shouts "WTF?!? YOU SIAO ARH?"

Lee then turns to the other two world leaders and says "You see? HE DARES TALK BACK TO ME."

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