#AlternativeFacts to keep Singapore going: These are my top 20 favourites. What’s yours?

1. Singapore was a fishing village before 1965.

2. Singapore’s one-party system is the result of free and fair elections.

3. The 16 people arrested and detained in 1987 under the Internal Security Act were Marxists trying to subvert Singapore’s social and political system.

4. Your CPF is your money. Totally. Absolutely.

5. Cats must be banned from Housing Board flats because they are difficult to confine indoors, and once outside, they will shit and piss everywhere, and cause a huge disturbance to neighbours.

6. Singaporeans are not ready for an Indian prime minister.

7. Malays cannot be in sensitive branches of the military because during wartime they may not pull the trigger on their enemy if they have family ties across the causeway.

8. In a famine, your Malay neighbour will share the last few grains of rice with their fellow Muslims, not with you.

9. When a man sexually penetrates his wife, he can’t be said to have raped her, because hey, she’s his wife.

10. Men cannot possibly be raped because rape can only be the penile penetration of a vagina.

11. Sex between men needs to be criminalised because we are a conservative society, and we mustn’t offend religious folks.

12. Single men must not be allowed to adopt girls because well, gay people do not exist, and therefore, all paedophiles are straight.

13. Musical instruments must be banned during Thaipusam because there is a real risk of disruption to public order.

14. Judges should not be given any choice other than to sentence a trafficker to death the moment he/she is found with more than 15g of drugs. This is the best way to keep Singapore safe from drugs.

15. The contempt of court laws need to be there because when you and I comment on the proceedings of a case, we will prejudice the proceedings. Our judges are that easily influenced.

16. We must top up our population to 6.9 million by way of immigration because native Singaporeans are falling behind and their spurs are not stuck into the hide. A dynamic economy would be impossible below this magic number.

17. The GRC system is there to ensure the representation of minorities in parliament.

18. It’s completely okay to reserve the next presidential election for the Malays, because otherwise, we would never ever have a Malay president.

19. The government needs to be protected from harrassment because it is a “person” like you and me.

20. Our ministerial salaries need to be the highest in the world, because otherwise, people of the right calibre might be deterred from serving. But rest assured, we’re getting a good bargain because we have only the BEST guys.

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