TO MY GUARDS EX-BOYFRIEND, I AM STILL VERY PROUD OF YOU

Dear Editor,

I’m writing about a personal experience that happened during the past few months, and I want to thank this person through this method because honestly, I don’t know when I will ever see him again and I don’t think I will want to disrupt his life by contacting him. It is the only way also for my voice to be heard anonymously because these are things that I could not bring myself to tell any of my friends or even family because of a promise I made to him, before I left.

What happened was, I dated this guy who was a friend of my brother. We actually met through tinder when a friend of mine was using my account, so technically I didn’t knew who he was, until I met him at my brother’s house 6 months later by chance. We didn’t have much interaction or didn’t cross path at all until about a year or so, we started talking. It was a relationship that was not supported by almost everyone around me, but I couldn’t listen, I could only trust the man I believed I had seen. He was working under the SAF, so after dating for about a week or so, he was off to attending the Guards Conversion Course( GCC) which he actively fought for the chance to do so. While he was on course, I kept a lot of things from him because I knew it wasn’t easy and all I wanted was for him to be safe, not to worry about other things. However that doesn’t mean that I went out with guys and all, even if I could, I didn’t want to because, I knew he was special and I didn’t want to disappoint him.

I was a free bird, I wasn’t a clubber, not a party goer but I loved spending time with all my friends bonding over dinner and stuffs. Everyone knows that I am not someone to be tied down. But the fact that I willingly gave up a 6 months exchange to Germany, reduced my social contacts with almost every single friend (because most of which are guys), leaving technically only 2 girlfriends, just tells me how special he was to me. After a month, he completed his GCC, I was proud of him. He is strong, focused, a sensitive guy and I totally loved the way he smiled every time he talks about his job. However, I did something wrong and in short, this relationship ended soon after.

I texted a guy friend of 5 years, because I heard that he was getting engaged, definitely we bullshitted a lot, which my ex doesn’t like, thus out of fear, I cleared the messages. It wasn’t out of guilt but rather, I am not a fan of fighting over minor stuffs. I believed that “ time will tell the truth” and thus I didn’t bother explaining anything regarding the texts, and yes, that was kind of dumb.

Anyway, who would have that thought this short relationship could have such a lasting impact. Till now, I still believed in what I have seen no matter what other people tell me. I am smiling more now because you taught me how to be stronger. I cherished my family and friends more because this relationship shown me how important family are. I am eating properly(because I used not to eat properly) because you have shown me how to take care of myself. I cut off all contacts with you, not because I hate you but because, I don’t want to bother your life with any of the facebook posts because of all the mutual friends we have. Definitely there were regrets, I didn’t regret loving you but rather, choosing to leave in a way that I didn’t give you a chance to say how you felt. I was proud of you, and still am because I know you’re a strong person and will do well. Thank you for being in my life and I am sorry that all that I could say is, I used to know you and not that I am still part of your life. These were the things that I wanted to tell you but no longer could.

stephanie
A.S.S. Contributor