Dear Editor,

My dad is Chinese and my mom is Malay. I tend towards my Malay side more because they’re kinder. But I grew up with a father who liked overcompensating for the fact that he married a Malay, so I’ve got some really tough Chinese upbringing.

Myself I’m always drifting between being an atheist and Muslim the past 2 years. My first three boyfriends were Chinese (Taoist, Buddhist and atheist), my current is one of those westernized Muslim man. My mom was very relieved when I started dating the Muslim, and honestly, I’m just doing it because he’s rich, good-looking and shares the same born religion – please don’t judge me, it’s really that hard to find a Malay-Muslim man in Singapore who can make money. I don’t really love him, he’s so much older and all we ever do is sleep with each other. But my mom’s happy he’s Muslim, my dad’s happy he’s rich, and I don’t have to be broken up with again because of my religion, so why not?

Is religion so important that I’d trade it for happiness? Yes.

I’ve spent a lot of time debating with myself on whether I believe in a god. Truthfully there is a huge part of me that knows I will regret being in a marriage with a non-Muslim man. It’s like making my life decisions based on the Pascal’s wager. But must it be Islam? I spent more time in temples, churches than I have had in mosques my whole life trying to figure this shit out. Ya, it has to be. Don’t ask me why, despite looking around religions and being brought up quite non-religiously I still favor it over the other pork, alcohol and hair friendly religions. Because my own faith/lack of faith is very important to me, and the guys I dated knew about it, we’d usually break up once our relationship takes a take for the serious. It hurts for everyone, so I give up.


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