YOUNG HOMOSEXUAL: I DON’T FIT IN ANYWHERE

A reader contributed this anonymous letter to us.

This is not a confession and please pardon my rambling writing. I tried to be coherent, but as they are my random thoughts so… Yeah. Sorry people.

I don’t fit in anywhere, be it my family or the culture of my own country.

My parents were divorced when I was 17. I’ve been living with mom ever since, and she has always given me the best possible things in the world. She loves me unconditionally and I treasure that love. Still, it feels like she doesn’t understand me thoroughly as I never came out to her. And I feel bad that I am her only child but cannot make grandchildren for her. Most of my cousins now have children and my aunts are very happy being grandmas. My mom loves children but she never mentioned that I should get married and have children, too. I know it’s because I am still young now and she knows I never liked being forced to do anything I don’t want to. But I cannot know for sure if I grow older, like 30 plus, she will still be patient with me in this matter.

In one of the rare family reunions that I attended, a mean uncle-in-law of mine compared me with a cousin much younger than me. He went, “T(my cousin) took his girlfriend here to introduce to us. What about you? This year you’ll turn 23, but we have never seen you with any girl.” Everyone knew that he implied a question about my sexual orientation. I didn’t say anything to reply him as I never expected to be asked such kinds of question. I was kinda speechless when a lesbian cousin of mine saved me the embarrassment by saying, ” he is busy studying, don’t you see?”

Some of my aunts have tried to find me a girlfriend, but I turned them down. Sometimes, they would ask me whether or not I have a girlfriend. I know that one aunt truly cares about me; the others were just being mean. I rarely show up at family reunions these days. It is just that I cannot fit in. I don’t know why they are concerned about things that are never gonna affect their life and why they cannot know that it’s my own private life and they have nothing to do with it. I always felt out of place in my extended family.

I have always been rebelling against a whole bunch of stereotypes that I’ve seen. Apart from my sexual orientation, I never thought of myself as being different until I made new friends and we kinda drifted away from each other. I don’t feel connected with them. And just imagine that you have many groups of friends but after a while, you are maginalized from most of them, you will understand. A dear friend once told me that people thought I was eccentric. I have tattoos, look like a bad boy and am weird as hell.

I was upset and tried to fit in. I finally made it but felt like I was no longer me. Soon enough I sent myself under a depression and existential and identity crisis.

I have a few friends; most of them are girls. Some are close enough to share my thoughts and feelings with. But ironically, the closest friends of mine are also the ones who fell in love with me. I drew a very clear line between us right after I realized their feelings for me. And I don’t have the courage to break their hearts any further by coming out to them and tell them my problems. At this point, those problems are still stuck in my mind.

I am not a third culture kid(TCK). I feel pretty much like a TCK, though. That puts me in a minority position. To make it worse, being gay makes me minority in the minorities. I don’t mind being different. I am used to it and even find it interesting to be. However, people around just don’t leave me alone. They remind me of a TCK who said, “when you’re in a majority, everyone’s like, ‘you’re the same as us. You’re supposed to be like us. What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you like us?’ ”

Be curious, not judgmental.

– M

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