No hair cuts. No sweeping of floors. No wearing black. No beating your children. So many things you can’t do during Chinese New Year. So hard to keep track of all of them.

Here’s a thought. Don’t. Instead, spend your CNY doing rather than not doing. Here are some things you could do this CNY if you were actually anything more than a big baby.

Binge eat

Yes. Eat all you can, then eat some more. The tank is half empty. Mind over matter. You can do it. But why binge eat, you ask?

Because it’s the festive season and you’re allowed to abandon all self-control? No. No one likes a glutton.

Because you deserve to enjoy yourself while you put yourself through the misery of bringing your three whiny rascals from house to house? No. Many years ago, you signed up for that. Deal with it, or use protection.

Because somehow no one gets heart attacks on auspicious occasions? Wrong again. Holiday seasons are usually when emergency rooms are overwhelmed by the very thoughtless victims of stress, heart attacks and excessive partying.

Here’s why you should binge eat. It’s because everyone around you needs to be reminded of what a success you’ve become–that you can now afford both the food and the medical bills. And who needs to worry about your figure when you have liposuction?

In fact, this applies to us all as a nation too. If the PAP hasn’t reminded you yet of how far we’ve come since we were a tiny red dot surrounded by communist states ready to devour us, you simply haven’t been reading The Straits Times. But you’re reading this now and that’s a start.

The story is really easy to summarize:

Long long time ago, we poor. Then PAP came. Now, we rich and you can enjoy CNY again this year. Got hongbao too. But only if you’re old enough and live in the correct GRC. Also, please remember to vote for PAP next GE. Lee Hsien Loong is a fighter. Cancer can’t beat nepotism.

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